Sometimes… sometimes you don't realise what you have until you've lost it… That was something my father told me… many times. I never really understood back then… I'd never lost anything I cared about before… But now… now everything has changed.

I grip the body close to me… the body of the man I'd killed… my captain. I brushed a little of his short, blonde hair off his forehead… He looked so peaceful lying there, if not for his warm blood soaking through my clothes I could have believed he was just sleeping.

Not only had I been unable to protect him but by my own hand he was killed.  I had committed the worst crime a first mate could; I'd murdered my own captain.

-

I remember my body had moved by itself, made to by that man, Doflamingo. He controlled me so easily, like a puppet master would his marionette. No matter how hard I tried I couldn't resist, my muscles wouldn't obey me. I remember crying out, asking him to stop, begging him, but then he made me bring my knife down, the sharp blade easily slicing through my captain's flesh.

Tears had broken free from my eyes at that very moment and I'd screamed out my captain's name. All I could hear past my own scream ringing in my ears was him, Doflamingo and that damn laugh of his; his cruel, amused laugh. He was happy, truly happy that it turned out this way.

I felt the weight of my knife return; it felt heavier then it ever had. Not even when I was young, practicing with a weapon that was much too big for my size has it ever felt this heavy. Why? Was it because I'd been released from his control or was it the weight of what I'd done?

The knife slid from my shaking hand, falling to the wooden street with a loud thud. I realised then that I had indeed been released; that my body was my own again. My breath hitched when my eyes locked with my captain's as I watched him slowly die.

My body felt heavy; like a great weight was clinging to me, pulling me to the ground. It felt almost as if my limbs had been packed full of lead. I fell to my knees before him, no more than a couple of feet away.
"Bellamy…" I said quietly, watching him. His chest was heaving, trying to draw air into his lungs. "I'm sorry."
I could see it in his eyes, he was truly scared.

I heard my crewmates long before I saw them; their loud footfalls gave them away. They came running over and knelt by him, trying desperately to stop the bleeding and save him, I wanted to help them but my body wouldn't budge; I was nailed to the spot. All I could do was stare, my eyes locked on the trickle of blood leaking from his mouth.

I could hear every word they said past my heart pounding in my own ears, I could hear them trying to save him, the crying from one of the girls, Bellamy gasping and coughing. He was barely conscious, only his fear kept him from passing out but even that didn't last long.

I knew they couldn't save him. I knew the damage my weapon was capable of, I'd felt how deep I'd cut. I knew I sliced through arteries, I'd even cut as deep as his bone.

No matter what they did they couldn't stop the bleeding; they lost him quickly. I couldn't take my eyes off him and I watched as his own eyes went dull as the life left him. I watched Bellamy die. I had killed my captain.

My body shaking and still on my knees I came closer to him, one of my crewmates moving out of my way as I reached out and touched the corpse. He was warm… still so warm… How could he be dead? How could I have killed him?

"No." I said quietly and pulled his upper half onto my lap, his jacket falling off as I moved him. I clung to his blood soaked shirt lightly. I wasn't aware of anything else around me, I could hear talking but I had no idea what was being said nor did I care. I leant down hugging him, my white coat turning red in places.
"I'm so sorry Bellamy… I'm so sorry I did this." I whispered against his torn chest, sobbing quietly.

I could only imagine how much he'd hated me in his last moments.

"Sarquiss." I heard, feeling a hand fall gently on my shoulder. I let out a small startled gasp and looked up at him, my eyes glistening. It was Eddy. I could see my reflection in his glasses, the scene before him.

"It wasn't your fault Sarquiss." He said, gripping my shoulder tightly. "You were being controlled; you aren't to be blamed for this." That's Eddy for you, always being the voice of reason in any situation.

I let out a sob and looked down again, taking off my glasses. I looked at him without the blue haze of the glass, committing every detail of Bellamy into my mind. I would never let myself forget this. I moved a little hair out of his face, my glove leaving a smear of crimson in its wake.

"Sarquiss?" I looked up again. "What are your orders?" I stared blankly at him.
"W- what?" He nodded towards Bellamy then looked back up at me.
"You're the Captain now. What do you want us to do?" How could that be? They elected me as the new captain? But why? I'd killed Bellamy. Why would they want me?

I looked towards the rest of the crew, they were mostly silent though a couple of them crying. Ross was holding one of the girls to his chest as she cried loudly. They were all watching me all with expectant looks on their faces. No one else wanted to step up and fill Bellamy's shoes… or… or was it that they actually wanted me as a captain? That they still trusted me…

With great hesitance I loosened my grip and let him go; brushing a hand over his face, his eyes closing for the last time.
"Rivers, Hewitt." The crewmates I'd called for… no, my crew, stepped forward. "Take him back to the ship… we'll bury him at sea." I spoke quietly.
"Sir." They both said and came over to me, gently lifting the body of our departed captain and taking him away from me, back to our ship.

"Eddy." He looked up from where he was gathering up Bellamy's coat.
"Captain?"
"Organise the men and replace the main sail… we're leaving." Said sail bore a symbol none of us wanted to see any more, Donquixote Doflamingo's mark.
"Aye, Captain." He departed carrying the coat and leaving me alone.

I stayed where I was for a long moment before I got back to my feet, putting my glasses on again as I did. I looked over towards the ship, my ship… no, in my eyes it would always be Bellamy's.
I let my eyes sweep around the empty street. There was blood all around me, trails of droplets left from a swing of my knife, foot prints and a large pool at my feet. The Crimson looked black in the darkness, the light of the moon reflecting on its smooth surface.

I dragged my eyes away from it and looked up. The paper bearing Doflamingo's mark was still nailed to the wall, it stared back mockingly, grinning at me. Before I knew what I was doing I walked across the deserted street, ripped it off the wall and threw the damn thing to the ground.
The scrunched symbol grinned up at me even then. I took a deep shaky breath and turned away.

I picked up my weapon and took a step towards the ship before noticing something else on the ground. Close by, a couple of pink feathers lay on the street. I picked them up, gripping them tightly in my hand. I knew they were from Doflamingo's trademark coat. I would keep them, they would serve to remind me… Remind me of this day, remind me of Bellamy, remind me of my motives to keep fighting…

I cast my eyes around the empty street one last time before heading for the ship, it was time for me to step up and fulfil my duties as a captain.